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I don't know what he's thinking anymore.
Feb. 6th, 2003 08:20 pmI was talking on the phone to my husband yesterday and I realized I didn't know what he was thinking or how he was feeling -- and it hit me like a kick in the gut.
See, we've been together for closing on 24 years now and for the better part of two decades we, both of us, believed that his mental and emotional state were my responsibility. It was my job to know when he was getting too depressed and try to distract him or cheer him up. It was my job to know when he was brooding too long in the shower, and to break it up and get him to bed on time. It was my job to make up his pill boxes and keep track of his prescriptions and doctor appointments. It was my job to deal with problems so he never got too stressed. Understand, I was not reminding him or helping him out, it was MY JOB. If he got too bed too late, it was because I failed, not any responsiblity of his. (Yes, I know now how seriously wrong this is.)
Above all, I became an expert in reading his moods. I always knew what he was thinking and what he was feeling. I often wasn't sure what I thought about something, but I always knew what he was thinking. It was my job to know. Even when I started refusing to take responsiblity for his emotions and mental state, I still knew. Now I don't any more.
I'm not spending every spare moment with him any more -- I see him twice a week and we talk on the phone every day. And I can't rely on old habits, because he's changing. I think the new counselor he's seeing is doing him a lot of good.
Rationally I know this is better, but emotionally I feel as if I had just lost something important. It wasn't a job I wanted, in fact for the last few years I have been saying it wasn't my job at all. But even then, deep down, I felt it was my job and I was still trying to do it. And now it's gone. I don't know what he's thinking any more.
See, we've been together for closing on 24 years now and for the better part of two decades we, both of us, believed that his mental and emotional state were my responsibility. It was my job to know when he was getting too depressed and try to distract him or cheer him up. It was my job to know when he was brooding too long in the shower, and to break it up and get him to bed on time. It was my job to make up his pill boxes and keep track of his prescriptions and doctor appointments. It was my job to deal with problems so he never got too stressed. Understand, I was not reminding him or helping him out, it was MY JOB. If he got too bed too late, it was because I failed, not any responsiblity of his. (Yes, I know now how seriously wrong this is.)
Above all, I became an expert in reading his moods. I always knew what he was thinking and what he was feeling. I often wasn't sure what I thought about something, but I always knew what he was thinking. It was my job to know. Even when I started refusing to take responsiblity for his emotions and mental state, I still knew. Now I don't any more.
I'm not spending every spare moment with him any more -- I see him twice a week and we talk on the phone every day. And I can't rely on old habits, because he's changing. I think the new counselor he's seeing is doing him a lot of good.
Rationally I know this is better, but emotionally I feel as if I had just lost something important. It wasn't a job I wanted, in fact for the last few years I have been saying it wasn't my job at all. But even then, deep down, I felt it was my job and I was still trying to do it. And now it's gone. I don't know what he's thinking any more.
